I am taking a week off from book reviews. I hope that’s okay. I haven’t had much time to read lately. Instead, I’m doing something new.
Yesterday, I introduced a couple more characters from my Thom & Tom flash fiction series and I mentioned that I’d share a story. Well, here I am making good on that promise.
Before I post it though, I feel the need to explain the format a bit. My original vision for the series was to be along the lines of an Edward Gorey book, with a picture above each line of text, though each line of my text would have footnotes (like Terry Pratchett does, though he does not do them for every line) and the footnotes themselves would have footnotes.
I’m a terrible artist, so you’ll just have to imagine that there are pictures here. If you are an artist with a knack for anthropomorphic forest animals and you have nothing better to do with your time, give me a jingle and we could make some sweet money together.
Okay then, here we go.
The Misadventures of Thom and Tom: Weight for Me
By Josh Mosey
There once lived a squirrel named Thom.*
*The h is silent, but not invisible.
Thom lived in a tree house with his roommate, Tom.*
*Tom is not silent, but is invisible.
One morning, during his morning ritual*, Thom saw something frightening on his bathroom scale.**
*Thom’s morning ritual consists of: hitting the snooze button twice before turning off his alarm clock, using the lavatory, going back to bed, realizing that he shouldn’t have gone back to bed, taking a shower, weighing himself, eating some breakfast, throwing something at Tom, having a cup of chai, and getting on with his day.***
**It isn’t very nice to be frightened by anything that soon after you’ve woken up. It’s just not a good way to start the day.
***Getting dressed is not part of the ritual because squirrels don’t wear clothes. That would be silly.
It was his weight.*
*About 2 lbs. more than normal.**
**Which is drastically overweight for a 1 lb. squirrel.
The first question Thom asked was, “Who do I blame?”*
*An important first question.
Thom immediately dismissed the possibility that he was somehow at fault.*
*Who starts by blaming themselves?**
Thom’s next target was the media.*
*Not so much because the media portrays “big” as “beautiful,” but because Thom watches a lot of television.**
**And when Thom watches television, he eats.
But was it just the media’s fault?*
*Thom (and everyone else too) likes to spread the blame around.
Now that he thought of it, the grocery store was having a lot of sales recently.*
*Sneaky grocery store.
But that doesn’t even take into consideration Thom’s friends.*
*Tom is especially bad, with his “let’s see how much food Thom can fit in his mouth” game.**
**Tom likes to play this while Thom is sleeping.***
***Thom doesn’t like to play while Thom is sleeping.
And then a thought occurred to Thom.*
*Two thoughts actually, but only one was relevant to this story.**
**The other thought was, “I wonder how much I would have to pay a stranger to walk around yelling, ‘Free the Colors!’ all day long. That would be funny.”
Thom thought, “Why not blame the food itself?”*
*Go to the source.
Just then, Tom stumbled* out of his room…**
*Stumbling is just one of Tom’s many talents.
**Tom usually stumbles out about five minutes after being hit with whatever Thom threw at him.***
***See sentence break 3 for more details about Thom’s morning ritual.
And solved the issue with only a few words.*
*A roommate’s abilities are sometimes uncanny.
Tom said, “It’s winter. I hate winter.”* **
*During the winter, squirrels store up fat reserves so they can survive the season when they cannot find as much food.
**I hate winter too.
*Of this story.**
**Not the world.***
So, there you go. A real Thom & Tom story. Merry Christmas.