Here’s the deal. If you have any respect for me, discontinue reading this post. If you don’t, read on, but do not judge too harshly. These secrets were from a decade ago. And if you wish to be further horrified by my past, start at the beginning (Innermost Secrets 1-8, 9-15, 16-21, 22, 23-27, 28-32, and 33-37).
38th Innermost Secret
- “Cut the Mullet” by Wesley Willis is my favorite song.
Keep in mind, this secret was immediately preceded by this one, “Were it not for the way they looked, I would have a mullet.” Also, a word about Wesley Willis. Wesley Willis was a diagnosed chronic schizophrenic and musician whose raw songwriting ability sparked a cult following. He was a fascinating man, an entertaining musician, and my college friends and I were fond of singing his songs to each other. Also, if you want to watch the video below, know ahead of time that not all of Wesley’s lyrics are suitable for children, nor are the images of Wesley Willis all that appealing.
39th Innermost Secret
- I once hitchhiked across Madagascar.
Not true, but I have seen the movie Madagascar, so that’s probably close enough.
40th Innermost Secret
- I’m a member of the Communist Party.
Not a paying member though, so the higher-ups are thinking of kicking me out.
41st Innermost Secret
- I sometimes accept government hush money in return for untested psychotropic drugs (under the table of course).
What’s funny is that I heard about this happening in real life. Only instead of getting paid, people didn’t know they were getting dosed. Read more here.
42nd Innermost Secret
- I like flowers because they’re pretty, like me.
Is it a crime to feel pretty?