Basement Editorial | The Parable, Valentine’s Edition Part 1

j002Back in college, when I was living in the middle house of the campus ministry, His House, my roommate and I put out a newsletter called “The Parable”. In addition to actually useful information, it was a vehicle for our creativity. My roommate did the graphics and I supplied the humor. I ran across the Valentine’s edition as I was cleaning out the basement and thought I’d share. I’m sorry in advance.

Bad Advice with Chico Martinez

This one goes out to all the muchachos out there. Are you a loser at love? Adverse to affection? Disgusting to dames? Loathsome to ladies? Are you trying your hardest but getting nowhere? Well, I’m here to help.

If the average female finds you repulsive, there are precious few things you can do to improve your situation. Fortunately for you, I’ll share what those precious few things are.

Just remember these tips:

  1. Eye contact is very important. If a girl notices you looking at her, she may look away playfully. Keep looking. Some may call this ogling, but what it does is let the girl know that you are interested. But if she leaves the room, don’t chase very far. There are more fish in the sea.
  2. Never stop complimenting a girl. Notice everything and tell her how nice it is, from the shade of the make up covering her acne to the way her feet remind you of little pieces of that expensive cheese that you can’t pronounce. Chicks dig details.
  3. One word: Dollar Store Presents.
  4. Did I mention cash? This may seem a primitive way to operate, but it can be very effective. Every woman has her price. Most are a lot higher than I can afford, but the principle stands true.
  5. Women love a man who isn’t afraid to grovel. I’m not kidding. For a good last resort, beg. As much as we can’t stand a crying woman, they can’t deal with a blubbering mess of a man. The bigger the tears, the better your chances.

Well, what are you waiting for? Go get yourself a valentine! Follow these few techniques and you may be hearing wedding bells before you know it. Either wedding bells, or the sound of handcuffs clicking shut behind your back. Good luck guys!


5 responses to “Basement Editorial | The Parable, Valentine’s Edition Part 1

      • A man who shall remain nameless (but later went on to campus ministry) and I joked a few times about putting that right on the sign. His House: Find a Spouse Here. Or something like that.

  1. Pingback: Basement Editorial | Bad Advice with Chico Martinez | Fashion | Josh Mosey | Writer·

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