More Innermost Secrets

rose_scentedMany people act as though their fecal matter is rose-scented. Mine actually is.

By that, I mean “well-fertilized” roses. Seriously, those roses smell terrible.

I am a technical Grease virgin.

Yes, I’ve played the songs from Grease in marching band. And yes, I sang the songs from Grease in choir. And yes, I know some of the details of the film. But I’ve never crossed the important line. I’ve never seen the movie. Nor do I plan to. I’d like to keep my Grease virginity until I die.

speedy_freezeI believe that one day, we will all have to answer for how many Frozen Cokes we have consumed while alive. I only hope I’ve had enough.

I mean, I’ve had quite a few. In fact, one summer I had so many that I got kidney stones. That was no fun. I was on quite a water kick after that. Well, until Frozen Cokes started sounding really good again, which was probably about two weeks later. But I started drinking them in moderation after that. And then after the second round of kidney stones, I cut down on them again. Basically, your body needs water. But still, I hope that when the final judgement comes, I’ve had enough.

I can turn lights on with my mind.

First my mind sends a signal to my hand. Then, my hand flips the light switch. Just like magic.

I was such an ugly baby, my folks showed pictures of my brother and told people it was me.

True story. I was born with the umbilical cord wrapped around my neck, so I came out all purple and nasty. I mean, most babies are pretty gross when they’ve just been born. My oldest looked so swollen, it was like she was stung by some a swarm of womb bees. But I was worse off, all peely and splotchy and nasty. So my parents did the only sane thing. They showed pictures of my brother when he was just born. All babies look pretty much the same at that point anyway. I don’t blame them, but I do tease them about it whenever I can.

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