Bad Advice with Chico Martinez | 4 Ways to Beat Writer’s Block

19th_century_knowledge_mechanisms_homemade_concrete_block_mold_partsHola! It’s your old pal Chico here. Do you ever get blocked up in your writing? Do your words run away when you need them most? Do sentences and paragraphs disappear like, um, something that disappears when you look for it? Well, fear not. Chico has four ideas to help you get out of that writing slump!

  1. Plagiarise! The good things are probably all written anyway, right? Why not just put your name to someone’s work and claim it as your own?
  2. Don’t call it writer’s block; call it research. Go to the library and look up obscure details about whatever it is you are supposed to be writing about. Or better yet, just sit in your house and use the internet! And when you are tired of researching your topic, take a break with some well-earned game/television time. You’ve earned it!
  3. Um, hmm.

I guess I didn’t have as many ideas as I thought. Lo siento! Anyway, back to playing games and plagiarizing for Chico!

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Bad Advice with Chico Martinez | How to Choose a Hairstyle

As we emerge from our sickly winter caves and stare into the warm sunlit spring around us, the first question that comes our lips is “¡Dios mío! What am I going to do with my hair?” It is the age-old question. But as always, Chico is here to help.

mullhawkImagine for a moment that hairstyles are like cookies. Delicious cookies. Some cookies are good on their own merit, like peanut butter cookies or chocolate chip cookies. But what happens when you mix cookie recipes? Chocolate Chip Peanut Butter Cookies! That’s what! So let’s combine some hairstyles. Might I suggest the mullet/mohawk? Or Mullhawk? Delicious! Now let’s pour a tall glass of milk and bask in our awesomeness!

But if the Mullhawk isn’t your style (sadly, there are some who would say that it isn’t anyone’s style), consider a classic look: The Cue Ball. Shave that head! There is no better way to find out who your real friends are than if you shave your head and discover that it is covered in strange bumps and nodules. Your true friends will not shun you in public. As a side benefit, by shaving your head, you never have to worry about things like “hat hair”.

And for my last idea, if you did shave your head and you look awful, I’m sorry, but now you can freely experiment with the wonderful world of wigs! There are some who would tell you that wigs look awful all of the time. These people have no imagination! No foresight! Wigs are great because you never have to wash them and they always look great (I’ve never actually worn a wig though, and I know nothing about them, so you might actually have to wash them). The other upside here is that you don’t have to mess about with hair dyes and trips to the salon if you want to completely change your look. Just put on a new wig!

Now, get out there and change things up this season! Adios!

Bad Advice with Chico Martinez | Mother’s Day Gift Guide

Día de la Madre is next Sunday. That’s right. Mother’s Day!

If you don’t have a mother or know any mothers or have no concept of what a mother is, don’t worry about missing this holiday. Also, Chico feels muy malo for you. For the rest of you, don’t you dare forget to make a big deal for your mom on this special day. She brought you into this world and if your mom is like Chico’s, she has been threatening to take you out of it every day since you moved back in with her. Economía estúpido!

Anyway, if you don’t know what do get your mom this Mother’s Day, Chico has Cinco Ideas for you.

  1. Pinus_gordoniana_illustrationAre you thinking of getting your mom some pretty flowers? Think again! Flowers are muy overdone. Think bigger! Think trees! But Chico, you ask, how am I going to give a big tree to my mother? I’m glad you asked. Think smaller! Pinecones are a great compromise. They turn into trees and they look like little trees.
  2. Let’s get back to the classics. Every mother wants a book of homemade coupons. But why include coupons for things that she doesn’t need? Let’s get practical. How about a coupon for helping her figure out how to email people? Maybe one good for an hour of listening to her talk about some distant friend’s surgery? Maybe put on in there for a remote control tutorial? Your mom will love it!
  3. And since we are talking about homemade gifts, let Chico throw this one out there: Homemade Romantic Comedy Video. If there are two things that mothers love, it is sappy romance videos and their own children. No, I’m not suggesting any brother/sister romantic situations. Asqueroso! What I am saying is that you can use Mother’s Day as a strategy to romance that special lady that you’ve had your eye on. If you ask her to help you make a homemade movie for you mom, is she really going to turn you down? No! She is going to see that you are the type of man for her. Now get to filming those love scenes! (You can always edit out any graphic content later. Your madre doesn’t need to see that.)
  4. mines_of_moria_legoHave you considered the fact that one day your mother will die? Not a happy thought on this Mother’s Day, but keep in mind that anything you give her, you are going to get back one day. Do you really want to increase the size of her porcelain figurine collection if it’s going to end up on your shelves? Why not get her things that you both want, like power tools, Lego sets, and Terry Pratchett books?
  5. Lastly, what does every mother really want? That’s right. Nietos. Grandchildren. This is a tricky gift though, with a lot of clauses. Perhaps you aren’t ready to have kids? Maybe you are still in school, or you are too old, or you are too ugly. That’s all okay. Just find someone who has children already and borrow them from time to time. Teach them to call your mom “Grandma” and all will be well.

That’s all I have this time. If you don’t like Chico’s advice, oh well.  Just don’t forget to do something for your mom next Sunday! Hasta la próxima!

Bad Advice with Chico Martinez | What should I have for dinner?

You asked for it, so here it is: a regular series of Bad Advice with Chico Martinez.

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The problem of what to eat for dinner has plagued man ever since he had the luxury of more than one option. It is a question that comes up at least once a day, which, though common, is no easier to answer the more times it is asked. There are so many factors that go in the decision (Do I have nutritional considerations? Do I like cooking? How much food can I afford? Is it even edible?), one can despair to even consider eating a third meal. But fear not compadres! Chico has three foolproof ideas to help you decide what to eat tonight!

  1. First, are you close with any friends or family that might invite you over for dinner tonight? If yes, problem solved! Invite yourself over and eat whatever they are eating. If you have no friends or family close enough to show their love of you through a home-cooked meal, go make some friends (making family may take longer) and invite yourself over!
  2. Shopping_cartBut what if your friends and family invite you over for something gross (like fish, ew)? Fear not. All you need is a trip to the grocery store. Wander the aisles and listen to your stomach. But don’t forget to listen to your wallet too! Remember, grocery stores make the most money selling food to hungry people. That is why instead of looking on the shelves, you will be looking in other people’s carts. If you find one filled with delicious food, strike up a conversation with the muchacho or muchacha pushing that cart. Play your cards right and you’ll be enjoying the dinner that you wanted, but on someone else’s dime. (Granted, I’ve never had this work for me, but that’s not to say it can’t work for you.)
  3. 640px-Value_menu_hamburgersStill afraid that you need to rely on your charms to eat? Fear not, hungry Gringo. This last idea is perfect for people with no social skills whatsoever. Simply find and wear a uniform to your favorite fast food restaurant (you can find just about anything in thrift stores), walk in and start “helping” people by clearing their trays. If a person complains that they aren’t done with their food when you are trying to clear the tray, they may try to complain to management. But hey, what can they do? Fire you? You don’t even work there. El plan perfecto!

And there you have it. Now you can tuck in to a perfect meal without even dipping into your pocketbook! Buen apetito!

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Do you need some bad advice? Write your question for Chico in the comments and it may get answered soon!