New Word I Just Learned: Blad

“Blad” sounds like a third-rate vampire knock-off movie (either as a mix of “blood” and “Vlad” if it is a classic vampire movie –or– as a misspelling of “Blade” which is a different kind of vampire/vampire-hunter protagonist), and maybe it is, but it is also an underused publishing term.

papereen-26-1420209A “blad” is a booklet, used as an advertisement. It’s probably a mashup of the words “blurb” and “ad.” And the publishing industry uses them frequently, though you may recognize them differently in the current digital age. For instance, the “Look Inside” feature on most Amazon book listings is essentially a “blad.”

In doing my research for the word, I’ve come across another reason why “blad” should be brought back into use. It is also a bit of a play on words, because “blad” is related to the word “blade,” which is the Proto-Germanic version of “leaf”. Think about a blade of grass. Same thing. But, wait a second! What are the pages of a book called? Leaves.┬áThus, on a whole different level a “blad” is a subsection of a book.

So now that you know, you can help me make “blad” popular again.*

*I have no idea if it was ever a popular word. But I think it should be.

More Innermost Secrets

I find the sound of fingernails on a chalkboard to be soothing.

It’s the music of Kenny G that I find revolting. Don’t get me wrong. I respect a man who can circular breathe, but that doesn’t mean I like what he does with his talent.

Growing up, I told people that my brother and I had a little sister that our parents kept in the basement.

Her name was Christy (or Kristy or Christie or Kristie, seriously, how many ways are there to spell that name?). She was a toddler-sized doll that my Grandma made for my mom because my mom had only boys. Her hair was made of yarn and was only attached to her head along the center seam, like a Mohawk. Naturally, my brother and I enjoyed putting her hair into a Mohawk whenever we could. I’m not sure what my parents thought about us telling people that we kept our sister in the basement, but if my girls did that, I’d think it was simultaneously funny and worrisome

I’m actually a dispossessed Nigerian prince, but whenever I try to get help reclaiming my throne, people act like I’m sending them spam.

Seriously people, just give me your bank account numbers and social security information! It’s a win-win!

Silver is my kryptonite (I may be an old-school vampire).

1991_geo_prizm-pic-3786True story. When it was time to get class rings in high school, every ring we ordered caused some kind of skin reaction. I couldn’t wear gold or silver, no matter how pure. So when we discovered that a class ring was not to be in my future, my parents put the money toward my first car instead. I was much happier with the car. Since then, my wife and I discovered a metal that didn’t react with my skin, so I am able to wear my wedding ring without any issues.

If I ever look as though I am deep in thought, I’m actually just replaying old episodes of Duck Tales in my head.

Duck Tales. Woo Ooh!

Trick or Treat | Halloween Jokes

Happy Halloween everyone! Instead of candy (which is difficult to enjoy digitally), here are some Halloween jokes. And as with all terrible jokes, please enjoy them responsibly.

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What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
“Do you believe in people?”

What did the boy ghost say to the girl ghost?
“You look boo-tiful tonight.”

What do birds give out on Halloween night?
Tweets

What do ghosts add to their morning cereal?
Booberries

What do ghosts drink at breakfast?
Coffee with scream and sugar.

What do ghosts eat for dinner?
Spookgetti

What do you call a ghost with a broken leg?
Hoblin Goblin

What do you call a witch who lives at the beach?
A sand-witch

What do you call someone who puts poison in a person’s corn flakes?
A cereal killer

What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
Frostbite

What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck.

What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Bamboo

What does a skeleton orders at a restaurant?
Spare ribs

What does a vampire never order at a restaurant?
A stake sandwich

What does the papa ghost say to his family when driving?
“Fasten your sheet belts.”

What is a ghost’s favorite mode of transportation?
A scareplane

What is a ghoul’s favorite flavor?
Lemon-slime

What is a skeleton’s favorite musical instrument?
A trombone

What is a vampire’s favorite candy?
A sucker

What is a vampire’s favorite holiday?
Fangsgiving

What is a vampire’s favorite sport?
Casketball

What kind of cereal do monsters eat?
Ghost-Toasties

What kind of mistakes do spooks make?
Boo boos

What kind of streets do zombies like the best?
Dead ends

What type of dog do vampire’s like the best?
Bloodhounds

What would a monster’s psychiatrist be called?
Shrinkenstein

When does a skeleton laugh?
When something tickles his funny bone

Where do spooks water ski?
On Lake Erie

Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
His ghoul friend

Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?
To improve his bite

Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends?
They’re so wrapped up in themselves.

What do skeletons say before they begin dining?
Bone appetit!

Why don’t angry witches ride their brooms?
They’re afraid of flying off the handle.

Why don’t skeletons ever go out on the town?
Because they don’t have any body to go out with…

Why was the mummy so tense?
He was all wound up

Jokes courtesy of Ink Stains with Roni

And of course, a clip from the animated version of Ray Bradbury’s The Halloween Tree (with voices by Leonard Nimoy!)